Doing something "racist" does not automatically mean that you are a morally horrible person. It means you've said or done things that perpetuate systems benefitting certain races—your race—at the expense of others. Instead of hearing You said something racist as You just called me a shitty person, we need to retrain ourselves to hear it as we would any other useful criticism—Your statement had a negative impact on X person or group. If you’re embarrassed about having that kind of negative impact, great! It means you care to do better (and are not a morally horrible person. )